Maturity. Wisdom. Fame, fortune and all that jazz.

Growing up, you would think these things would come naturally. But they don't.Then you realize you're only a couple of days from your 18th birthday - the day you become a woman, or so they say --  and you have no choice but to be depressed.

And that is exactly where I am: a few days away from my birthday and depressed. Very depressed.

 
It's just difficult to face the number... the big one eight and realize that when you reach that age, people expect you to be different, to be all grown up and mature. But people can't transform into full blown, responsible adults just because the damned clock struck 12. Being a year older does not mean I'll start cleaning my room or washing my clothes. It doesn't mean I'll turn in my schoolwork on time. It doesn't mean I'll stop watching Spongebob Squarepants in exchange for the nightly news. That's just it. It does not mean anything.

Is that not a sad realization -- that years are just passing by and you are not changing?

I am the same self I was years ago. And I am not anymore responsible than when I was in kindergarten-- I still lose my pens and I still draw on my hands <and on my desk>.

It's the same me, turning 18 and realizing that maturity,money and success are just not coming the way I thought they would. But maybe they will come eventually. 18 after all is not the end of the world.

I’d like to think I’m a writer.

And I’d also like to think I’m pretty good at it. Not today though. Not today.

I open Microsoft Word and I see nothing but an expanse of blank space. Just that empty, glaringly white page. I look at it and I panic.

Even now, I am completely terrified, overwhelmed by this page. I feel like I am typing these words not to convey anything but only to cover up the space, to calm my nerves

Don’t get me wrong. I have good days, great days. There are those days when a blank page is exciting. Those days when I cannot wait to fill up the page with all that my brain can pour.

Sadly, this is not one of those days. My brain is dead. The blank page killed it.

It's only less than a month before my birthday! I'll be turning 18 on February 6! And because I want to give you guys the opportunity to make me really happy, I'm listing all the gifts I want!

 18 Gifts I want for my Birthday:

1. A Series of Unfortunate Events Boxed Set

-- The entire set will cost about 8, 000 pesos. But can you really put a price on happiness? Apparently, you can. It's 8000 pesos.

2. Tickle-Me Elm, 5th Generation

- It's Elmo and it giggles! What more can an overgrown toddler ask for?

 3. A brand new car!

-- Nothing says happy birthday like the roar of a brand-spangking-new engine! Any car would do. However, I'd like to drive a pick-up please!

4. A pink or purple laptop

-- I'm not going to pretent like I understand computers. I really don't. But I need something I could type on that's portable. So you guys can figure out all the techy stuff. I just want it in pink or purple!

 5. A day at Enchanted Kingdom

-- I have never been to EK. I know, I'm a loser. So on my birthday, I want to de-loser-fy myself. Someone take me to EK!

 6. A super hot Greek boy

-- Let's make it clear. I want a Greek boy, not a Greek boyfriend. My school is just so boring and the guys aren't cute. I just want someone pretty to look at!

 7. Tickets to a Madonna/Nelly Furtado Concert

-- Sure, tickets are expensive. Sure, you would have to pay for airfare and hotel too because they don't stage their concerts here. But is money as important as the immense love I will have for you?

8. New Shoes

-- I love shoes. I know my feet always end up bruised and gunk but I don't care! I love shoes. A shoe-filled birthday would be amazing!

9. World Peace

-- I don't like wars. I especially don't like people dying for stupid wars. So on my birthday, maybe one of you guys can solve all the world's problems and bring peace to so many warring nations.

10. New Clothes

-- I'm a girl so yes, I do love clothes! And if you do decide to give me new dresses, feel free to message me and ask for my size!

11.A new House

-- I want a bigger,better house! If you love me, you would give me a house. That's just what love is, give and take. I give you thanks, you give me a house!

12. Friends Boxed DVD Set ( Complete seasons 1 - 10)

-- If you ever really knew me, you would know I'm addicted to Friends! And there is no rehab for this sort of thing. The only way to go is to sustain and feed the addiction. So make those DVDs come my way!

13. Anime DVDs

-- Any anime is fine. All animes would be so much more lovely!

14. A tiara!

-- I want to be a princess! And I want my own tiara too! I know, I'm being such a brat, but this is my birthday list and I can list whatever I want!

15. A vacation to FIJI

-- God, that place looks so breathtaking. And that was just on TV, how much more beautiful can it get in person? I want to find out! Take me to FIJI!

17. Trip to Disneyland!

-- Every kid or at least every person who feels like a kid, they all dream of Disneyland. I share the dream.

18. End of Poverty

-- It would be so lovely if everyone in this world can have all the things they need to thrive and survive. It would be so nice if everybody can eat everyday and pay for school and get a home. And it would be perfectly lovely if all poverty would end and then I would be sure that as I am m typing out a list of all the gifts I want, no child is dying of hunger or cold. Yup, that would be beautiful.

So there, these are all the things I want. Make me happy and grant me even a few of these wishes!

Do you know that feeling when you're so tired and broke and hungry but you don't mind because you love what you're doing? Yes, that feeling. I love that feeling.

Over the past few weeks, I have started doing fieldwork for my journalism classes. We would be assigned to a group, three people in each and we would be given a certain medium or beat to work on. So far, I have been assigned to newspapers (I also worked on editorial and opinion) and I have also been assigned to the lifestyle beat. (By the way, a beat is a particular place or subject matter that journalists are asked to cover like the Malacañang beat, Congress beat, lifestyle beat, police beat, etc.)

Our assignments mainly involve interviewing journalists in the certain field or beat and asking them about the ins and outs of what they do, how they do it and what they need to be able to keep at it. Just really basic stuff like that.

So far, I (along with my groupmates) have interviewed three people:

1. Isaac Belmonte (Editor-in-chief of the Philippine Star)

-- He was so much fun! And very, very informative too. His interview was sort of my first real-life look at the newspaper business. I mean, I know what goes on at a publication basically from the books I've read or from classroom discussions. So it was very different when an actual editor-in-chief tells you how a paper is run. Also, he has this porcelain cat that meows every now and then. He would be all serious, talking about bribes and payoffs in journalism and then suddenly, this cat would meow and we would all laugh.

2. Tessa Prieto-Valdes (Lifestyle columnist of the Inquirer, in/famous "fashionista" and self-proclaimed gay icon

-- I love her. I really, really do.  She asked us to go to her house and as expected, her house is as outrageous as the victorian wigs that she wears on an everyday basis. Hello? She has a huge safety pin, contorted to look like a man and it was 'reading' Kama Sutra. And when Ms. Tessa finally came down to see us, she had a platinum victorian wig that was about a foot high, and on it was a red flower that was as huge as a plate.

Looking at what she weras and from reading her column (which is almost a handbook on what parties or personalities are hot or not), you would think that she can only talk about clothes and make up and parties. But when we interviewed her, we were really suprised to see that she knows a lot about the newspaper business. She even explained the things people and corporations do to get their products featured. She also talked about story-buying and all those serious things.

People might get distracted by her super-long-tarantula-ish eyelashes or her over-the-top dresses but beyond all that,  she's actually someone who knows what she's doing, not only as a writer but as a part of an entire publication. ( Her family actually owns the Inquirer!)

3. Daphne Oseña-Paez (Host, ANC Life and Urban Zone)

-- Ms. Daphne is one of those people who have that unexplainable glow. I mean, the real glow, not the mystic tan kind. She's one of those people who when you meet, you just feel like at some point, angels will pop out from behind her and go, "Hallelujah!".

No, seriously, she's really pretty. And very smart. She kept on insisting or reiterating that people can't just get into lifestyle and become hosts just because they're fashionistas. I think she dwells on this because even though, she could very well just ride on her face value, she's actually someone who learned the TV industry the hard way. She's learned to direct, write, edit and produce her own shows. Also, she's experienced having to do her stories alone and with a home video camera because no one initially wanted her stories. In our interview with her, we really learned a lot about the industry. (Oh, and she keeps saying she feels kind of insulted, seeing all the models getting into lifestyle just because they're pretty. She said that unlike them, she actually worked to be where she's at.)

++ So there, I've interviewed really interesting people. I love it.

The thing that makes the assigments difficult is that we have exactly seven days from the day the assigment is given to the day we have to turn in our report.

And the interviewing part or even the part where we have to gain access or contact with the interviewees isn't the difficult part. The pain-in-the-ass part is the transcription process, the part where we have to type out what was said during the recorded interview. My God, it takes an average of 4-6 hours to transcribe a one-hour interview. The more annoying thing is that interviewees liek to schedule at the least minute so on the night before the repotr, everyone is on the computer with their recorders at hand, transcribing interviews. It's really quite tedious especially when the interviewee talks fast, you'd have to rewind, play and fastforward a sentence for like a dozen times. And my recorder's headset is monoaural, meaning sound only comes from one earphone. As you can imagine, after an entire night's worth of transcribing, I am almost deaf in one ear. And I begin talking like the interviewee. So after I transcribed Tessa's interview, I was all conio. Tessa, she talks like this:

 Interviewer: Ms. Tessa, paano po kung walang parties to write about?

Tessa: No, parang, like, there's actually dame. (Dame, as in marami).

Yes, I was talking like that for an entire day. Yes, I know weird.

So after transcribing, we still have to summarize and do our report. So we end up sleepless and hungry.And we're also broke from having to travel to interview places, and from buying tokens for the interviewees.

But as I said earlier, I don't mind being reduced to pretty much a zombie (bangag, sleepless and food-less). I love doing these interview things. They're so real, unlike classroom discussions. I love it.

Guys, I want a Tickle-Me Elmo for Christmas! It is so so adorable!

Thank you!

I need a job. If you guys know of any part-time job, let me know. I am so broke it's unbelievable.

Have you ever felt sadness and emptiness so intoxicating, you almost vomitted?

Yes, that's how I feel.

Sometimes sadness is too poetic. I want to come out of the gloom but I'm scared the poem of the sadness will go away. Gah. Pathetic.